October Reflections
in a flash, it's november... what happened?
Looking back over the month, I can’t help but feel grateful and simultaneously overwhelmed. October was the first month after my stress leave where I really put in the effort on myself and moving myself forward again. After being in survival mode for so long, it can be really daunting to try and look forward and think proactively.
Thinking about all the positives and progress I made in the last 31 days, I am so grateful for the support system that I have and those who cheer me on when I’m strong… but also those who let me lean on them when I’m not.
Progress, like life, is not linear. It twists and turns, it advances and reverses, and it seems to thrive on being somewhat unpredictable. Unless, of course, you are conscious and make intentional decisions every single day that move the progress needle even just one tick.
So where do I feel strongest?
Financially speaking
After taking the time to recover from my trip to Texas, I am back on track with debt repayment and moving my finances towards their goals again. I’ve been getting more hours at my second job, and as of TODAY (November 1st), I got my yearly union-negotiated annual pay raise at my main job.
My roommate’s finances are back in order, so they’ve been able to start paying me rent again, which also helps alleviate the financial burden of life.
On top of that, I made a deposit on my first international vacation outside of North America! It was a little bit impulsive/short notice, but it was semi-planned and thought about. We thought it would be a little longer before the group we’re travelling with set up their next trip, but life finds a way! And in the interest of seeking discomfort and things that push us to work harder and think differently - we opted to go for it. That won’t be until end of May, so there are a few things I need to get organized and set in motion first - some of which I’ve already started.
Though I do still feel financial stress, it’s much more generalized and I definitely feel like I’ve gotten a better handle on things and where they’re going. It’s just a matter of continuing to push myself where I can to keep moving the needle closer and closer to where I want it to be.
Physically speaking
Going to the gym consistently and putting my physical health as a main priority in my days has really helped me in multiple ways. I get to feel the dopamine and endorphins from working out and being active, I get to feel less pain when I wake up in the morning and navigate my days (I say with a lower body that is quite sore from leg day… but the pain is different), and I feel good knowing that I’m getting stronger.
I want to live an active, productive, and energetic life, and that includes well into my retirement. If I want that to be my reality, it only helps me to start now. If you’re wondering if it’s a good idea to start finding ways to get a bit more activity into your life - take this as a sign! (Unless your doctor has told you not to, for whatever reason… I suggest listening to them!) There is something so beautiful and wonderful about feeling yourself growing stronger and more mobile, and I cannot wait to see where else this journey takes me.
Mentally speaking
Taking the time out of my days to work on myself, to work towards my goals, to achieve milestones… all of this has contributed to my mental clarity becoming that much clearer. I feel more capable of thinking forward, planning, and coming up with new creative ways to explore myself and my life.
I’ve started reading fiction again, which I hadn’t done much of in recent years. I’ve been writing. I’m writing things down to ensure they stay locked in my memory better. Everything that I’ve been doing, between doing life things, going to therapy, increasing my activity, and setting realistic (but challenging) goals and then achieving them - even if only in part… all of these things are contributing to me becoming mentally healthier.
My current major roadblock-slash-milestone is that I’m actively working on overcoming my fawn response to conflict and difficult conversations (especially with those I’m close to). Letting go of the fears associated with that response is proving to be very hard - which I somehow both fully expected and fully did not expect at the same time. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t know how the hard would actually feel. Short answer: it sucks, but I know it will be worth it.
Other thoughts
Grappling with the mental block of “why should I write anything, other people are also doing it and probably doing it better” has been a pretty vicious game of tug-of-war. I’m not sure that it’s one that I’ll ever fully win, no matter how hard I try. I wonder if anyone else ever feels like they’ve overcome that negative mental voice.
Sometimes that side of my brain feels like the dark side of Ren’s mind, as depicted in his song “Hi, Ren”. Cruel, overbearing, negative, and powerful. Thankfully, sometimes I can continue to overcome and work through it.
I appreciate each and every person who is along for this journey with me - whether they read these posts or not. You are a beautiful, glorious gem of a human being, and my life is made a little more fun with you in it.
Shine on, and we’ll all shine together.
